Doing or not, which is worse?

I've reached a crossroads. I'm not planning on continuing my Horticultural Education. That doesn't sound like much of a crossroads, does it? No, thats because its just a fact. The crossroads is whether or not I should finish up this semester or drop out. I got fucked out of my ORIGINAL first semester of college when I was deployed 2 weeks before Exams. I didn't enjoy it anymore than I do this one, but knowing that you wasted your time, effort, and money is a really crappy feeling. I guess I'm not at that much of a crossroads after all. I know I'm going to finish, but I am just really anxious for it to be May. I'm looking for some direction. College just isn't what my life needs to be about right now. Richmond is too small, how has my Dad lived here for 56 years?

Wow, maybe I'm forming a habit!

After three long months, the hour of my haircut grows near. Heres a little of my his-doo-ry for you ...
I started shaving my head by choice in Summer 2004. When I switched schools to Benedictine in Winter 2004 I was required to keep it buzzed. I enlisted in the Army in Spring 2005, so I never even got to grow it out after High School.

Until now.

Upon returning from Kosovo we were granted 3 months of excused absents from drill. Obviously, I let my hair grow. I still have 3 years left on my contract with the National Guard, so unless I get deployed again you probably won't be seeing this mop top in the near future.

That's about all I can seem to write on the subject. I'll miss it, but I'm stoked to get cleaned up...

Coloring Myself Black and Red

From 12:00 am Thursday morning(okay, more like 9pm Wednesday night) until about 2:00pm Sunday afternoon I was in an almost constant state of Wild Rager. I definitely outdid any 4 day stretch of Summer 2006, if you know what that means.

Why? Because I turned 21 on the 21st and I'm still trying to catch up for missing 2007.

There are a ton of things I could write about from last weekend; monster trucks, everyone's birthday weekend that it was too, legally drinking at bars, being bad, yelling, being kind of mean, being kind of nice, falling over, eating incredible dinners, presents, homework(and how I didn't do any), music, etc, yadda yadda yadda, ...

Pushing all that aside for the time being, I am going to focus on what it means to have your mind blown. I know we talk about it alot, and its not out of the ordinary for me to claim that things like new found glory, 5 guys, qdoba, smoothie king, greg's mosh, and matt clarke blow my mind, but now I know the true meaning of the phrase.

Scott and Virginia flew from Boston to Richmond and surprised me at Helens on my birthday. I didn't even recognize my sister when she snuck up behind me.

Thats all I can write about the situation. Did you think it was going to be a long story or something? I already told you, my mind was blown!!!

i love you all, i love spring time, i am stoked to go back to Drill this weekend(even though I love my hair right now), I love that Dan is researching Uhaul truck prices, I love that spring break is in two weeks and that I'm finally going to Charleston. i love that i don't feel like a drone even though my life is kind of crazy and my future is foggy.

Also... I know its a weird thing to say, and I've never really felt like one day could be that life changing, but now that I'm 21 i DO feel different. I can't argue the fact that I'm a functioning grown up now. I don't plan on acting like one to the extent that I had to last year for another couple years, but I feel like i just opened a big door into a huge room with a million other little doors. I wonder if thats a normal thing to feel...

I was going to post the lyrics to Simple Song by Avail but I feel like thats kind of tacky. I mean, you guys probably all know the words, and its really not as fun to read as it is to listen to.... also i'm not a "jaded" 15 year old girl posting my fav. Simple Plan song. but just for the record

Where am I going with this

Fuck. I'm not in the mood to write this. I'm usually not though, thats why I only have a few entries. But I'm forcing myself tonight. That last blog was stupid. I mean I thought it was funny and somewhat clever at the time and maybe I will again later on, but right now I'm just annoyed with it. This will probably end up being a worse post though. I feel like shit because I ate too much General Tso's Chicken after band practice. I had a pretty fun night doing that though. I almost understand jam bands now. We just smashed around with like every genre of music and it was a blast. It was really nice outside and Brett and I rode and hit a few spots over the afternoon before running into some other BMX kids we know. Theres about 50 things on my mind right now surrounding my birthday and girls and friends and family and future and just about every aspect of life right now. Its all looming over my head like a big piano hanging from a sky scraper. I need a good tree to sit under on a nice day with an apple and maybe a book. Cause I try to live my life in fantasy world, fuck you, say i can't!!!! that was kind of weird. maybe i'll type this whole thing without any backspaces. i will too. i just realized that a comma belonged between "will" and "too" but its too late to change it now!! oh well. I'm in a pretty good mood overall, maybe a little tired and a little overwhelmed, but thats not a bad thing. i'm going to bed though

i can't believe i just wrote that

I mean...I thought it was funny...

This is a little rediculous, but so am I

I hate R&B. I can't stand it musically, but my main problem lies in the culture that I think the lyrics are responsible for. Keep in mind that I have about 2 weeks of actual relationship experience in my life so if you want to tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about then that's fine, but I'd be happier if you told me you laughed while reading this blog.

Now when it comes to girls, I think I have the "strong and masculine yet gently romantic" figure that, according to Power 92, women desire. I don't usually have a problem getting the initial interest of a girl I like, but progressing to the next stage of a relationship is where things always seem to take a nosedive. I couldn't figure out exactly why this was. Reasonably, I assumed that R&B would give me an answer so I started listening to some casually. Time went by and I wasn't getting anything out of these songs. In one final attempt, I really started pondering the lyrics and taking them for more than face value. In my research I discovered that R&B is not at all what it appears to be on the surface. I found out that there are really only Two Reasons that guys write and listen to R&B songs and that they feed off of each other to form a continuous cycle of terrible lies that girls consistently mislabel as "tough love".

The First Reason guys write R&B songs is to provide a set up for male listeners to trick naïve/stupid, kind-of-easy girls into sleeping with them. The listener (or poser, if you will) plays sappy, corny, obnoxious R&B songs to make himself out to seem like he lives above real life human problems and emotions. For some reason this lifestyle seems to be irresistible to females and before long the girl will be tagged and bagged. From here, the suave, attractive, stylish man (typical Poser) begins the process over again with another girl. Sometimes things don't go to plan though, which brings up the Second Reason that R&B songs are written.

The Second Reason that R&B songs are written are as a response to a reaction to something fucked up that the singer has done. Let me break that down for you. Guy cheats on Girl. Girl finds out. Guy regrets cheating (not because he's sorry, but because Girl found out). Girl tries to dump Guy. Guy wants to show Girl that he is actually human after all and proves that he is keen to her emotions by writing a sappy, corny, obnoxious R&B song to show her how much he "cares". From here, the girl will either
A) buy into the story and continue the relationship until she catches the guy cheating again.
OR
B) begin the cycle all over again with a different guy who probably(and less than coincidentally) also listens to/writes R&B songs.
In conclusion, I think any guy who actively listens to R&B is also actively lying, and any girl who dates R&B type guys is actively being lied to. I also REALLY think the music sucks.

One for old Chuck

Here I sit in the Company day room, annoyed with the Army and anxious to get home. My third cup of coffee on the table next to me. Walker Texas Ranger is on daytime tv and I'm listening to Swamp Thing. These next few minutes have the potential for absolute destruction.


I'm smiling a little bit to myself listening to Robert scream that I'm going back to Square One. You're so wise, my friend! I am indeed going back to square one this evening. Hopefully I will come around though. I'd hate to think that I really am done.


Anyways(listening to Rainer Maria at this point).

I'm looking at my DD 214 (form that houses all of your military education credits, accomplishments, awards, special skill designators, and the like) and wondering what my grandfather was feeling like 60 years ago here at Ft. Dix when he came back from Europe in WW2. Was he convinced that he had done his part? That war would no longer be used as a solution? I don't know. I sure wish somebody could convince me of such things though. I understand that his Army and my Army might are two completely different things, but I hope he would be proud of me for this.
Which brings me to my next point....

I don't want to sound arrogant or ungrateful but I am kind of annoyed with being publicly "thanked" for my service. Its one thing to get a personal little "hey, thanks" or smile or whatever, but standing on a soap box and flexing your "patriotism"...I just wish the people who do things like this would use that energy to give their neighborhood bum a sandwich or plant a tree or something else of greater substance than tickling our egos.


I can't wait to get home. I am so pumped but also so nervous. I hope I make some good decisions this year. We shall see!!!