Overwhelmed

Sometimes life gets really damn overwhelming. I've heard all the adages, "Life is Pain", "We wouldn't enjoy the sun if it wasn't for the rain" et cetera, et ecetera. I've never listened to that bullshit though. In my opinion, sayings are for lazy bastards and conformists. Just because smartasses like "Unknown" and "Anonymous" were able to sum up their lives in simple metaphors, similes, and otherwise incomplete sentences doesn't mean I can. Hell, it doesn't even make me feel better to know that they feel that terrible about their own lives. I just write them off obnoxious pedestrians and people who are in front of me in line places. If I could condense the reasons I don't kill myself at this very moment into any rational expression I would probably already have a gun in my mouth and a foot off the ledge. It's about emotions and feelings that no one can explain. I don't know where I'm driving with this blog, so just hop in and pay attention.

Ok, I was saying that I feel overwhelmed. It's true. I work 40+ hour weeks doing manual labor in a fast paced environment while still learning how to even do my job in the first place. On top of that, I have two classes, each three hours long, a week and I am required to keep up with. I know people have worked longer and harder hours than I do and I respect that a lot. I'm trying not to complain too much, but it really fucking sucks coming home two nights a week from 13 hours of work (not including drive time) and knowing that you have to do the same thing again tomorrow. It'll all pay off in the end. That is one true proverb I do agree with. I just don't like not having any time to myself to do things I enjoy doing. I want to be able to go out at night and check out new things or enjoy new restaurants and bars. I guess this all goes back to the "paying off in the end" thing.

I really need to keep myself writing and playing music and drawing. Why does it seem so hard to motivate yourself to do awesome stuff like that? Is it because you're afraid you won't like the product after spending time and energy on it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is for me. I don't think I have ever had the balls to really pick something and dedicate myself to learning how to be extraordinarily good at it. I'd rather be mediocre at a lot of things and consider myself versatile. Actually, I'd REALLY like to pick something up and be a prodigy at it. One of those assholes who does a kickflip the first time he sees a skateboard or builds a sweet bicycle from spare parts found in the alley behind work.

I've yet to find my "God Given Gift". I like to think it's relating to people. I don't know if I'm the only person who feels this way or if I'm just a self righteous jerk, but I have always thought that I could talk to anybody in any room and make them feel comfortable. I guess that isn't really a talent though. Anybody can do it if they have a little curiosity and patience. Maybe being hard to offend is a gift after all though. I see plenty of people get bent out of shape about dumb comments or rude motions and their entire days are ruined, or worse.

I used to procrastinate like it was my job in school. I've tried to get better about it, and I definitely have, but it'd be nice to say that I never put off anything that needed to get done. That would probably make me inhuman though. I still don't really know where this blog is going. Haha. I hope it is interesting to you. To you and you alone! Fuck the person who read this before you. Seriously, that guy is kind of an ass, and I once read his shitty poetry. We should grab drinks soon, just you and I. Maybe the next person after you to read this. I mean, I'm not going to call him, but if you want to I wouldn't really care. I wonder who will be next to read this? It could be anyone in the world. What if it was the Queen of England herself and we ended up drinking beer with her. That'd be debateably cooler than drinking with Obama, even though I'd still be stoked on that.

How did that last paragraph make you feel? I hope it made you feel a little better, like we connected a bit. Let me know..

Hopefully it won't be this long until I post again.

Love,
Ashton