poems/writings

Okay, I'm going to post some of the stuff I found (some of them are weird enough to still be embarrassing even though I don't remember writing any of them nor what/who they might have been about) I don't have the exact dates but I'm pretty sure all are from Summer/Fall 2006...

PS- don't think I'm TOO big of a weirdo, I was drinking a lot and girlfriendless at the time. I don't identify with any of these emotions anymore!!


"bays"
When I found myself staring
across an open bay
with nothing but darkness to shadow the light
draining from my eyes
and memories no longer reminders
of anything i could ever hope to see again
something strikes my spine
harder than any physical pain
I had felt in the past


"document"
i just cant go sleep tonight
and tell myself its okay
breathing out as the world goes dark
showing everyone else
that ive spent one more day
wishing and not doing
thinking of everything i could have
maybe ill change tomorow
of course i wont
not unless i do it right now
and watch the sun come up again
able to think back on what ive done
and know deep down that
i can rest at ease
while the rest of the world wakes up to die
ill go to sleep feeling more alive
and tomrow night will be just the same
and ill remember this one in my dreams


"ft"
do you have any idea what i would give for a second in your mind. just to feel what kind of fucked up things you think and figure out if you try hard to ruin my day or if its just a punishment from God for something horrible i've done in the past. i have no idea how i let you take control of my dreams. i would do anything to have back just one second of that time you stole. playing me for the fool that i am, i just fall apart in your arms. there is nothing left for me to give but you still turn your back whenever i start to speak. i spilled my blood dying for you and you let me bleed. i'll spend the rest of your life haunting you into hatred. excuse me if this was just too forward for good taste.


"hh"
im thinking back on the day i wrote to myself
saying now it would be the future
and that things would be different
well now it seems like i was wrong



"hjdjhdjhdsakdasds"
thoughts determine what you want. actions determine what you get


"life an dlove"
i cant even say that im living in a dream
i used to know my feelings
i could describe them to a t
i knew what it was that made me sad
but i chose to dwell on it
and explore the emotion of mental defeat
i couldnt escape the typical
i couldnt get out of what i was taught
even though i thought i knew the feelings
i was still living out my dreams
but now im stuck in reality
where i hit the brick wall
of not being able to sleep
and turn these dreams into what i want
i cant find any comfot in the crazy thoughts
the answer escapes me.
i dont know the way out
but i still feel far from the pain
even though im walking down that road
trees overhead shadow my journey
shadow the sights
to make them just mine
because nobody will ever walk this path again
nobody will feel what i can feel and see what i see
but everyone thinks that
everyone knows
that its all for you
its all for someone else
why cant i find comfort in anyone else
i have my friends who im comfortable with
but its always an awkward silence when the girls come around
no i dont want to start over so i can ruin it again
i want to hurry home
heres what i wish
i could feel the pain and endure the hate and strive through the day
knowing that my heart is warm and my life exists in the a room without walls
with no worries except the pain of growing old'
i want to slow dance with you
in a dull living room with not much going on
maybe a window shade pulled down
maybe a few lamps burning in the corner
a starch dinner in our stomachs
and nothing else to worry about
excpet eachother
i want to know love
i want to feel the love
in such a way that i cant feel anything else
i cant feel anything else
i think think of anything else
i need nothing else
you are mine and i am all that you think about
we live for eachother and with eachother
but thats not real
why not i dont know i hate to give up faith
but i dont think it can work


"nono"
Yesterday I walked outside and everything was just okay
because everything was right in place
but now things are so much different
today things just arent what they seemed
so im wondering what exactly im supposed to think
and exactly what im supposed to feel
those assholes arent alive anymore to tell me how
how to live, how to be
im expecting the worst from a country of clones
and none of us were programed to think alone
we all picked our thoughts from the same bucket
and here they come now, all spilling out
and im left here to collect my feelings from
a bullshit world to tie in with my ventureless life
and you say they died for the cause
and you say youd die to have the chance



"sadldlkat"
forget your death
its over now
its all going to come together
i promised myself that i would tell myself when
i was getting to this point and id pull myself back
but my frineds, i admit that i cant do that
at least not alone
if everyhting is so much nicer when its effected by time
and if love is so much more meaningful
when its shared and not one side



"geramny"
ITS FUNNY HOW FAST A CRAPPY EXPERIENCE AT THE AIRPORT CAN CHANGE WHEN ALCOHOL IS INTRODUCED TO THE STORY

I'm listeing to Broadway musical's and getting sketched out by the old people next to me. I wonder if they realize I'm half cocked and listening to shit even they think is for dorks. I can feel their eyes pouring another shot of scotch into my Schwepps Bitter Lemon. I mean, come on, this is OBVIOUSLY a dollar store mixer. Nobody has THIS bad taste in lemonade. I'm pretty sure it looks a lot darker than it should. I'm trying to be covert, but only half of it is what the label claims. Haha, yeah blow your nose at my you old hen. I wonder if I should slow it down or eat something before my flight. It doesnt even board for another 2 hours. Eventually I'll have to go through some sort of customs. Hmm, i should probably scope that out before I go through. I'm going to need to ditch the bottle, but I wonder if i can bring my whiskey sour. We'll take this one step at a time. 8 hours of flight time. yuck. I'm so ready to relax at home for a bit. I won't bore you too much with this anymore. see yaaa